I married my husband Kris when I was 25. Like many Christian couples, engagement and marriage came fast which came with its own set of blessings and challenges. And, at age 34 I am still figuring out how to be a Godly wife, and that’s ok. I grew up in a time in culture that focused on the importance of individualism within the feminine experience. Phrases like, “I’m a strong independent woman,” and “I don’t need a man,” were common in my cultural experience as a woman. I carried this mentality into marriage.
But then everything changed
One night my husband and I were cleaning up after dinner and we began to talk about our life. I said, “I don’t need you. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself, but I choose you.” My husband’s next words were filled with so much love and conviction that they forever shaped my understanding of femininity and pursuit. “I need you. I love you. And, I choose you. It’s ok to need someone.”
His words were filled with so much grace and love. I never questioned my perspective on my role as a woman or wife until that moment. I boasted interdependence but what I was living out was independence apart from my husband. I made it my mission, for the first time, to study what God says about being a Godly wife.
What I discovered would forever change my life and the life of my family
Two biblical passages stuck out to me: Ephesians 5 and 1 Corinthians 13.
Ephesians 5 gives context on how to create a biblical marriage
- To respect Christ, husbands and wives should submit to each other. (21)
- Wives should submit themselves to their husbands like they submit to God. (22)
- Husbands are the leaders of the household and wives are the glue. (23-24)
- Husbands are to love their wives, to protect and sacrifice for them just like Christ loved and sacrificed for the body of Christ. (25)
- Husbands are to spiritually guide their wives, and to love her the way God loves the Church. (28)
- Husbands are to love their wives the way they value and love themselves. They are to feed and care for her, provide for her, and aim to love their wives the way Christ loves the Church. (28-30)
- A husband must love his wife, and a wife must respect her husband. (33)
1 Corinthians 13:4-7 explains what biblical love is
- Love is patient, kind, does not envy, does not boast, is not proud. (4)
- It does not dishonor others, not self-seeking, not easily angered, and keeps no records of wrong. (5)
- Love does not delight in evil but values the truth. (6)
- It protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres. (7)
I was placing my heart in the ways of the world. God wanted so much more for my life. My husband is patient, humble, and overcomes pride and anger to love with a gentle and understanding heart. He is kind and forgives mistakes without hesitation. He is an honest man who works hard and sacrifices to protect and provide for me and our daughter. He never gives up on us.
I was so caught up with what culture was telling me to be that I did not realize I was robbing my husband of a Godly wife. He was fulfilling God’s direction as a husband, but I was not fulfilling my part of the partnership. I fought to lead the direction of our family. I tried to handle everything on my own: finances, family planning, leadership over parenting, etc. And while Kris was submitting to me as God directed, I was not submitting to him and the role God created specifically for him.
When I looked at the scriptures, I realized how selfish I was being. I made a commitment to love and respect my husband and my God, through submission of my will to God’s will as lived out through Godly womanhood.
And I have never been happier!
There have been growing pains but I have seen God transform my family. I no longer felt pushed under heavy pressure. Submitting to my husband was surprisingly easy because he loves me so well. He leads our family with kindness and love. He is not prideful; apologizing when he makes a mistake, and open for constructive criticism.
A husband and a wife are equal but different. That’s God’s design.
God, like all creation, intricately designed marriage and left us a roadmap to understand the design. He has a purpose for your marriage that goes far above the limitations of culture.
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