God with us in our grieving

When my husband died suddenly of cancer-related complications last year, I felt I could hardly breathe, let alone write. Even in the last number of weeks, when I was invited to write this article on grief, I wasn’t sure I could or even wanted to. How could I take such a huge and painful experience, and set it down in words? What encouragement could I offer others who may be grieving, especially at this time of year?

I’m still very much in process.  Most days I can breathe, breathe deeply and feel grateful for the life my husband and I shared, and for the life I have today. I’m grateful for good support from family, friends, and church, and God’s mercies new every morning. Yet some days I feel just as anxious and sad and bereft as I did last year, lost without my husband and partner and soul mate.

One thing I keep learning and re-learning is that healing from grief is a process that tends to circle back on itself even as it moves forward. As C.S. Lewis wrote about his own grief over the death of his wife: “In grief, nothing ‘stays put’. One keeps emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral?” (A Grief Observed).

I hope I’m on a spiral, that whatever phase or feeling of grief might recur, that grace and gratitude will recur as well. Pam Vredevelt, a counsellor who also grieved deeply when she and her husband lost their baby halfway to term, writes: “When we are feeling our pain we are progressing. We tend to get mixed up about this process. We think that if we feel pain deeply, we are losing it. . . . Nothing is further from the truth. When we are feeling, we are moving ahead through the grief process” (Letting Go of Disappointments and Painful Losses).

In the Bible, the book of Ruth tells the story of Naomi’s grieving. To escape famine in their own country, Naomi, her husband, and their two sons moved from their home in Judah to Moab. Then Naomi’s husband died, and ten years later, their two adult sons died. Naomi and her two Moabite daughters-in-law were now widows. 

Without her husband, without her sons, and in a foreign land, Naomi had no one and nothing to fall back on. No male relatives to provide for her and protect her in the patriarchal culture of ancient Moab. No job or pension or social assistance that would be possible in our day. How would she survive?

Naomi decided to return to Judah, where the famine was over. She and her husband still had relatives there, and in Judah the poor were allowed to glean grain from the edges of the fields. For her, Judah was home, and Naomi urged her daughters-in-law to return to their parents’ homes where they might be able to start over, to find new husbands and establish new lives. Orpah agreed and remained in Moab. Ruth insisted on leaving with Naomi, even though Judah was foreign to her. Three women. Three griefs. Three different paths of healing: Naomi to return to her homeland, Ruth to risk moving to a foreign country, Orpah to stay in Moab.

When Naomi arrived in Bethlehem, the women of the town asked, “Can this be Naomi?” Grief had changed her, and Naomi replied, “Don’t call me Naomi [which means pleasant]. . . . Call me Mara [which means bitter], because the Almighty has made my life very bitter. I went away full, but the Lord has brought me back empty” (Ruth 1:20-21).

Naomi allowed herself to feel her grief and expressed her feelings honestly.  Job despaired over all the losses that he had experienced (Job 3). Over and over again, the Psalms give voice to loss and grief. “How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?” (Psalm 13:1). “I cried out to God for help; I cried out to God to hear me” (Psalm 77:1).

Whatever grief you may carry in this season, you are in good company with Naomi, Job, and the Psalms, with me and with all who have lost loved ones. Don’t be afraid to feel your feelings, to cry out to God, to share with people you trust. Take care of yourself as Ruth did, making sure you have food to eat and a support system around you. Know that God goes with you on your journey of grieving and will lead you each step of the way.

April Yamasaki is a pastor, editor, and author. For more information on her ministry, please see her websites at AprilYamasaki.com and WhenYouWorkfortheChurch.com.