When Ministry and Marriage Collide book review

Jack Taylor has three Master’s Degrees and a PhD.  He has been married 47 years, in leadership for 43, a counsellor for over 30, and now works as a certified relationship coach. When he writes a book on marriage, he works hard intellectually. As Jack mentioned in his book, ‘I focus on the abstract…I may seem out of touch with reality and too theoretical.’ What makes his book accessible is that he gives many marriage tools to make marriage transformation more doable. Throughout the book, he weaves the stories of seven clergy couples seeking to strengthen their marriages and ministry. 

Taylor says that we live in a society that is quick to discard marriage. A seasoned ministry leader can make a powerful impact through modelling a healthy, lasting marriage. Marriage breakdowns seem to come from an inability to resolve conflict. Taylor observes that 69 percent of conflicts are perpetual, intractable and largely unsolvable. Conflict can easily leave us feeling rejected by one’s spouse. In every conflict, we are asking: “Can I count on you? Are you there for me? Will you respond to me when I need you? Do I matter to you?  Am I valued and accepted by you?  Do you need me?” When we become entrenched and unwilling to budge, emotional detachment often follows. Often our anger, criticism, withdrawal, demands, and reactions are attempts to draw attention to our feeling of disconnection.

Because few clergy are well paid, the financial stresses on clergy marriages can be intense. Taylor noted in his book that ‘finances are near the top when it comes to conflicts that destroy marriages.’ One third of clergy marriages suffer from spousal abuse. Taylor recommends replacing blaming one’s spouse with taking responsibility for our own mistakes and failures. It is far too easy to focus on criticism and contempt instead of affirming each other’s strengths. Rather than seeing oneself as a victim, he recommends viewing your spouse as a ministry partner.  

Taylor explores what he calls the quagmire of calling. Many spouses, like Taylor’s wife, did not want to become a pastor’s wife. Only later after much prayer did his wife endorse his calling. Taylor quotes Charles Spurgeon: “If you can stay out of the ministry, stay out of the ministry.” A ministry calling can become so overwhelming that it functions as an idol. A calling can also be a marriage resource because it helps one understand the why of your existence. In an age of great identity confusion, clarifying our identity in Christ helps builds better clergy marriages. Taylor notes that: “a (ministry) calling helps one transcend fear, discouragement, doubt, shame, guilt and pain. It unleashes strength, courage, hope, truth, healing and peace.”

He has much wisdom in his book on rebuilding marital intimacy in this busy, distracted culture. Notably he quoted a German study showing that men live around ten years longer if they kiss their wife for at least six seconds before going to work each day.  

Taylor’s 16th book has much to teach ministry couples about how to thrive in 2024.